We didn’t know how we were going to do this with Roberta.  Dementia and lung cancer were difficult enough. But Mom was the wild card.

We were so busy trying to stay ahead of her—trying to figure out what was true, what wasn’t, what she needed, what she’d cancelled, what she’d agreed to and what she’d changed her mind about—that most days we were just trying to keep our footing.

Then the phone rang.  It was the Care Coordinator from Mom’s doctor’s office.

They were concerned about her.

That phone call introduced us to someone I didn’t even know we needed. And it became the beginning of an incredible support team.

Our Care Coordinator helped us navigate Mom’s medical care and connected us with resources we didn’t know existed. Mom’s physician went above and beyond for her—and for us. Our attorney helped us get the legal pieces in place and navigate what was coming. Adult Protective Services became another set of eyes—and later, an invaluable resource when protecting Mom also meant protecting her from family.

And then there was support for me.

Counseling had been part of my life long before Mom’s dementia diagnosis, but during those years it became just as important as every other member of our team.

We didn’t know who we needed when this started. Fortunately, they did.

And here’s something else I learned: you can’t do this alone. And you don’t have to.

I also understand why we sometimes hesitate to let people in. Maybe you’re embarrassed by your parent. Their behavior. Their personality. The condition of their home. The cigarette smell. The cat smell. The stained carpet. The things you’re afraid someone will see and judge.

Let them in anyway.  The people who do this work have seen it.

More importantly, sometimes you just need another set of eyes. Someone outside the family who can look at what’s happening and say, “Yes. This is real.”

That’s what our support team gave us. They saw what was happening. They understood what we were dealing with. And they connected us with others who could help.

It didn’t take any of them very long to figure out the real wild card in all of this.

Not dementia.

Roberta.